The first two shots were taken at my favorite tea lounge. Just because tea is essential to me, and that particular spot is a place I find comforting.
It has been a while since I last wrote. What’s there to say? Everything and nothing. Do you think it’s possible to wake up one morning and be an entirely different person? A month ago, maybe more, on the phone with the ex, I was crying or panicking over something or other. He hardly pauses before telling me: “You were frozen and closed off for the last seven years. Now you’re starting to feel again. It’s like someone removed your skin – you’re raw. It’s going to hurt for a while.”
My reality is a little more complicated than that. Yes, the shell that hid me in some low-level depression is gone. I don’t know if I hurt, but there are times when I do. There are moments when I feel inhaling alone is enough to kill me. There are nights when I feel the most desperate existential loneliness I’ve ever known. I think this is to be expected: when you deliberately cut away almost everything that made up your life, you might feel moments of sadness and an existential crisis may threaten to engulf you. You will feel panic, doubt, and despair. Of course. This is part of it, of your becoming.
No one really explains what becoming is. I talk to everyone I know about being more yourself, true to yourself, and following your heart and dreams. Seems to me that I am saying I should go boldly and confidently towards my goals. But what else can I say to that when I just figured out what those are? Or when those dreams are still tender and brand-new and I am not completely comfortable with them? Has anyone ever told you how utterly ridiculous you feel talking about whatever this is? And yet you persist. And you feel absolutely, positively fucking crazy through this whole process. It’s exhausting. It’s thrilling and exhilarating. It’s the best way to live your life at this moment.
For that, friends, is the crux of this story. At this moment, I know in my heart of hearts that it has to be this way right now. That the next few months, the last few months of this year, will push and test me in ways I haven’t yet imagined. That there will be a lot of soul-searching and digging into the deepest parts of soul and self to find them and put them out in the light. There will be madness and happiness and fear and joy, and alllll of the feels will continue to ache and thrill and scare. I don’t have a clear picture of what it will be, and because I don’t know, I’m not sure how much of it I will be sharing. Right now, the other parts of my messy, messy life take precedence. I will tell you that at the end of it, I hope to be a kinder person, make new friends and strengthen old relationships, learn lots of new knowledge and skills, and most of all, very much to be my own person. The person I should be. The person I want to be. But most importantly, to be the person actually am.
P.S. If you want to “see” me “in real life” – HERE